"It Changes Your Life"

Hello sympathizers, this excerpt will backpedal a little bit.  It is my rendition of what you should do when you find out you are expecting your first child (in real life terms; not all that cuddly, non-realistic nonsense). People always say having a child will change your life, but they never really get that point across. It's virtually impossible to express in words or in actions how it "changes your life." Well my friends, I'm going to give it my best, guy style. First thing you should do, without question, is to immediately drop to you knees and BEG GOD for forgiveness for all the bad things you have done in your life AND for the patience of Abraham...because you're gonna need it, I promise you. Once that is done (trust me, you'll be back), you might have a feeling of what you're getting yourself into. This is no laughing matter, and NOT for the faint at heart. I waited 32 years to have my first child, and I could have waited another 32 years and still not been ready. Now that you have begged God for mercy on your soul, head straight to you favorite happy hour watering hole (Pub). Order the stiffest drink they have, and bid you friends and fellow bar flies adieu. Walk out the door and pat yourself on the back, because you have just graduated from the bar scene...you may not realize it or accept it yet, but it is over my friend. On your way out, toss your phone in the gutter, because the only numbers you need from now on are the numbers you've known for the past 20 years. If you don't have their number memorized, you don't need it...either they weren't that important in the first place, or they aren't going to help you now! Now that two of the things you thought you needed are gone, let me tell you what you do need. You know that vacation that you've dreamed of taking or have been putting off? Well, NOW is the time to take it! You are not only going to need that time to reflect upon, but to cherish, as your last great experience as an "ordinary person." For lack of a more exemplary term, "ordinary person" is how I'll refer to people whom haven't crossed the line into parenthood...or as I like to refer to it, "true adulthood."  So, on to the physical training aspect. I'm sure you enjoy your "you" time, as all of us "true adults" DID. I used to think, "I'm busy now, what am I going to do when the baby comes?" I had it all figured out, I'd just configure my schedule to accommodate me and my time. Laughable I tell you, laughable, because the only person that gets un-accommodated is you. You are in for a rude awakening....literally. Try staying up until 1 am, totally sober mind you, no alcohol fueled insomnia, and set your alarm for 2 am. Now, after you wake at 2 am, set your alarm for 3 am. Now you're starting to get mad right? Set your alarm for 3:30 am. Think this is funny...because now you need to set your alarm for the exact moment you fall asleep. Repeat this procedure for the next, I don't know, 3 months and counting. By the way, when the clock strikes 7 am, just plan on getting up for the day, cause it ain't getting easier. At 7 am, strap an 8-10 pound watermelon to your hip, or should I say under you arm, because you've just become that guy who fumbled the winning touchdown in the end zone on homecoming night. Thought it was hard to keep up with that football all week? Well plan on that football keeping up with you all week, and then some. Walk around ALL day with that 8 pound watermelon. Let me be clear, walk around ALL DAY with that watermelon. I'd use a milk jug as a reference, but that has a handle...you need something a little more difficult to change hands with. Now, with that watermelon in hand, continue with you normal activities. Wait, let me rephrase that, continue with your DAILY ESSENTIAL activities. That brings me to my next training exercise, daily essentials. What you thought was a daily essential quickly becomes a luxury. A prime example, bathing. Right now you take at least 1 shower a day, maybe 2, right? Extend that to 1 shower every 2 days. Repeat for 3 plus months and counting. By now, you really don't have anyone to impress anyway, so why worry? Now to your other "daily essential," nourishment. You used to snack as a form of munching in between meals right? Well now, snacking IS your meal. Thought it was fun to chef-up a gourmet meal? Forget it, now you just want less dishes to clean and more time to accommodate your screaming child. I could go on for days on what I thought were essentials, like checking the mail or reading the paper...but I think sleep, bathing, and nourishment pretty much cover the essentials.
So, now that you have totally striped yourself of who you thought you were...it is time to become who you ARE...it is time to "change your life," to take that leap (or forcefully be pushed, kicking and screaming like your future child when you try and dress him) into "true adulthood." Let this not deter you, it does get better, or so they tell me. This is also coming from the very same people who said "it changes your life."

The First Doctors Appointment

First time parents should really be supervised. Here's the story of how our first pediatric doctors appointment went, a prime example of what not to do. So it's our first time out of the house as a family since coming home from the hospital, and our appointment is set for 9 am...not too early right? Haha, never let your ambition and planning go to your head when you're a newbie parent, because you can never get started too early. We set our alarm for 5 am, but I really have no idea why, the baby was waking us up every 2 hours anyway. We had his diaper bag already prepped, as well as car seat, our clothes, breakfast (fruit and yogurt), Finn's clothes, etc. Things were looking good the night before, we were ready...or so we thought. What we didn't plan for was our own ignorance. We start the morning trading off showers so one another could cuddle and sooth baby Finn. First mistake. We should have taken that time to start dressing him instead, and I'll tell you why. We, being new parents and not really experiencing the whole dressing up your kid thing or going to the doctor with baby thing yet, decide we were going to dress him up like a doll baby. Second mistake. We figured out really quickly Finn did not enjoy wearing 17 different articles of clothing, or at least the putting them on part. After significant time coercing his baby limbs into socks, shoes, onesie, pants, shirt, vest, jacket, and hat (all while he screamed bloody murder), we finally had ourselves and Finn ready to go. It was suddenly and surprisingly to us, 9 am. Great, so we're late to our first pediatric appointment...off to a great start new parents, right? It's not like he's running around the house yet and we're having to chase him to dress him or anything. Lucky for us the doctors' office is a mile or so away and I knew how to hook up the car seat (thanks hospital parking lot), so we're there by 9:10. Not too shabby, it could have been worse. Oh, but then it did get worse. As soon as we're seen, the doctor says "now undress him." I'm like "what?!!" What did we just do to ourselves? We beat ourselves up (and him) getting him dressed, now we have to undress him? Why didn't we think about that? I know why, because we have no idea what we're doing! No one ever told me don't overdress your baby for his doctor appointments. So, after another few minutes of getting Finn undressed from the 17 articles of clothes, he's weighed...and guess what? We have to put those 17 articles of clothes BACK ON. Nice, now I'm just feeling plain stupid....but wait, I can feel more stupid! As we're dressing him, the doctor notices our awkwardness and red faces (and the whole office can hear our screaming baby), so he offers to help. He starts picking through the clothes looking for Finn's blanket. Nikki and I look at each other, looked at all the garments, looked at the doctor and said "it must be in the car." Truth be told, we had unwittingly left his blanket at home. In our hast to get Finn dressed and out the door we forgot the one thing your baby should always have, especially on a winter day, his blanket. That's the day I knew our baby was in for the ride of his life, and it wasn't just us.

Coming home

First off, let me explain something to you all. Before my son was born, I had never changed a diaper in my life...or even ever really held a little baby. I was 32 years old, and scared for the first time in my adult life. I was more frightened to hold our baby than I was to watch the emergency C-section unfold before my eyes...that was actually kinda cool. So when the doctor handed me Finnley Chester O'Shea for the first time I thought to myself "am I doing this right?" and "what if I drop him?" These doctors and everybody are all watching me!  As it turned out, I wasn't doing it wrong, I didn't drop him, and no one yelled at me...but it's possible I may have peed my pants before he did that day. So everything went well during our stay and we're about to get discharged, and I'm beginning to wonder "when are they going to give me the instructions?" There is no way these well-educated professionals are actually going to send him home with us, right? I mean, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! Nikki read the books, I didn't. Nikki has a lot of friends with kids, I don't. But when it came down to the moment of "he's yours, you can take him home," we both may as well been clueless. Regardless of our confidence, we make it outside and Finnley gets his first breath of fresh air. I then proceed to spend 20 minutes or so trying to figure out the mechanics of the car seat (it was deceivingly easy), even though I read the instructions and installed the base the week before. Lucky for me, the hospital is only a mile or two from our house, because that drive home was unnerving. I felt like I was driving 15 mph, and for all we know, I was. Needless to say, we didn't leave the house until our first doctors appointment.

Introduction to The Manny Chronicles

These are the stories of my life and times as a first time parent and stay at home daddy, or as I like to call it, a "manny." I never thought my first blog would be about me being a parent, I always figured it would be about something I had some experience with! Needless to say I am learning quickly, and these excerpts of my life I share with you should be both amusing and heart-warming...or in literary terms, The Savior Motif meets The Innocence to Experience Motif...but try your best not to confuse me with Shakespeare. I would have started this blog a few months ago, when I was a brand new daddy, but it has taken me 3 1/2 months just for my head to stop spinning! I may or may not write everyday, as all parents know, there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything! So, with this said, The Manny Chronicles begin...