"It Changes Your Life"

Hello sympathizers, this excerpt will backpedal a little bit.  It is my rendition of what you should do when you find out you are expecting your first child (in real life terms; not all that cuddly, non-realistic nonsense). People always say having a child will change your life, but they never really get that point across. It's virtually impossible to express in words or in actions how it "changes your life." Well my friends, I'm going to give it my best, guy style. First thing you should do, without question, is to immediately drop to you knees and BEG GOD for forgiveness for all the bad things you have done in your life AND for the patience of Abraham...because you're gonna need it, I promise you. Once that is done (trust me, you'll be back), you might have a feeling of what you're getting yourself into. This is no laughing matter, and NOT for the faint at heart. I waited 32 years to have my first child, and I could have waited another 32 years and still not been ready. Now that you have begged God for mercy on your soul, head straight to you favorite happy hour watering hole (Pub). Order the stiffest drink they have, and bid you friends and fellow bar flies adieu. Walk out the door and pat yourself on the back, because you have just graduated from the bar scene...you may not realize it or accept it yet, but it is over my friend. On your way out, toss your phone in the gutter, because the only numbers you need from now on are the numbers you've known for the past 20 years. If you don't have their number memorized, you don't need it...either they weren't that important in the first place, or they aren't going to help you now! Now that two of the things you thought you needed are gone, let me tell you what you do need. You know that vacation that you've dreamed of taking or have been putting off? Well, NOW is the time to take it! You are not only going to need that time to reflect upon, but to cherish, as your last great experience as an "ordinary person." For lack of a more exemplary term, "ordinary person" is how I'll refer to people whom haven't crossed the line into parenthood...or as I like to refer to it, "true adulthood."  So, on to the physical training aspect. I'm sure you enjoy your "you" time, as all of us "true adults" DID. I used to think, "I'm busy now, what am I going to do when the baby comes?" I had it all figured out, I'd just configure my schedule to accommodate me and my time. Laughable I tell you, laughable, because the only person that gets un-accommodated is you. You are in for a rude awakening....literally. Try staying up until 1 am, totally sober mind you, no alcohol fueled insomnia, and set your alarm for 2 am. Now, after you wake at 2 am, set your alarm for 3 am. Now you're starting to get mad right? Set your alarm for 3:30 am. Think this is funny...because now you need to set your alarm for the exact moment you fall asleep. Repeat this procedure for the next, I don't know, 3 months and counting. By the way, when the clock strikes 7 am, just plan on getting up for the day, cause it ain't getting easier. At 7 am, strap an 8-10 pound watermelon to your hip, or should I say under you arm, because you've just become that guy who fumbled the winning touchdown in the end zone on homecoming night. Thought it was hard to keep up with that football all week? Well plan on that football keeping up with you all week, and then some. Walk around ALL day with that 8 pound watermelon. Let me be clear, walk around ALL DAY with that watermelon. I'd use a milk jug as a reference, but that has a handle...you need something a little more difficult to change hands with. Now, with that watermelon in hand, continue with you normal activities. Wait, let me rephrase that, continue with your DAILY ESSENTIAL activities. That brings me to my next training exercise, daily essentials. What you thought was a daily essential quickly becomes a luxury. A prime example, bathing. Right now you take at least 1 shower a day, maybe 2, right? Extend that to 1 shower every 2 days. Repeat for 3 plus months and counting. By now, you really don't have anyone to impress anyway, so why worry? Now to your other "daily essential," nourishment. You used to snack as a form of munching in between meals right? Well now, snacking IS your meal. Thought it was fun to chef-up a gourmet meal? Forget it, now you just want less dishes to clean and more time to accommodate your screaming child. I could go on for days on what I thought were essentials, like checking the mail or reading the paper...but I think sleep, bathing, and nourishment pretty much cover the essentials.
So, now that you have totally striped yourself of who you thought you were...it is time to become who you ARE...it is time to "change your life," to take that leap (or forcefully be pushed, kicking and screaming like your future child when you try and dress him) into "true adulthood." Let this not deter you, it does get better, or so they tell me. This is also coming from the very same people who said "it changes your life."