The bittersweet man-truth of breast-feeding (pun intended)

Contrary to a common male myth gone viral long before the days of internet, a woman's breasts serve a far greater purpose than the average mans sexually explicit mind takes him...they are in fact baby food producing machines. All men should thank God they do not have breasts, because while breastfeeding may be one of the most intimate experiences a woman can have, it also has to be the single most time consuming and inconvenient practice one could do. I was all for it when I heard we'd save hundreds of dollars in formula, baby would receive much needed antibodies, and last but not least, I wouldn't have to get up in the middle of the night to feed him! But, alas, it seems it would be too good to be true. The hundreds of dollars I'd thought we'd save went to a hands free breast-pump, which coincidentally sounds like a cow when it's running (moo-moo-moo-moo) and it's not like she's going to be able to do anything with her "free hands"...but I must admit the moo aspect was and still is very humorous, even just thinking about it makes me laugh. While it's perfectly legal for a mother to breastfeed her child in public, it's not like that's actually going to happen. Be prepared to stop what you are doing (WHATEVER it may be) and find a private, suitable feeding location for mother and child to partake in the "beautiful bonding experience" they share. You can't convince me that is as convenient as carrying around a bottle. Take the time feeding, coupled with the time pumping, and you have a very time consuming endeavor on your hands (or not on your hands, because you won't be touching her breasts in the foreseeable future).  Several hours a day were/are spent a day either feeding, pumping, storing, cleaning, freezing, thawing, pouring, measuring, and documenting the feedings....it's much more than just "whipping out a breast." You (and her of course) will literally spend more time doing these things each day than you spend doing any other thing throughout your day, including sleep. But after it's all said and done, I wouldn't change a thing...after all, baby is happy and healthy and most importantly the machine or the baby wasn't hooked onto me one-third of my waking (or not so waking) hours. Just don't get used to sitting down for more than five minutes during that time (or anytime for that matter) when your child is awake.

It's getting better (sort of) by the minute

We're fast approaching 4 months since Finn was born and things seem to be getting better, maybe those veteran "true adults" were on to something. Before you try and fetch your phone out of the gutter or think you might have some "you" time, let me elaborate. I liken parenthood to running a marathon every day without ever having run a day in your life. Now that it's been several months, I've grown a little more accustomed to the pace....I might even be close to hitting my stride. I'm still running a marathon everyday, but now I've had 4 months of training! It's not that things have necessarily have gotten easier mind you, but my pain threshold has increased. Carrying around an 8-10 pound watermelon doesn't wear you out as much after you've done 600,000 times. Waking up early or operating on little sleep isn't as difficult to do anymore either. So now that I am up to par with the initial demands of parenthood, let me explain why it is truly becoming better (not easier!). Finn rolled over for the first time the other day, and I must admit that was the most amazing event since his birth. Finn has become more aware of his surroundings, making it a much more enjoyable experience for us...more particularly, me. It seems all the sleepless nights and sore backs are beginning to pay off. He's starting to raise his little baby butt and scoot; it won't be long and he'll be crawling! He smiles when you smile, and coos when you coo. He wakes up grinning ear to ear and doesn't cry nearly as often. His personality is beginning to show, and he's finally becoming HUMAN! It makes all the hard work worth it. Now, if everything continues to progress, I should be eating my words in a few weeks when he starts teething...

The Running Ogre

Let me share with you a humorous short story about an outing Finn and I recently experienced. As a stay at home dad, I have to find ways to fill 12 hours a day for 4 days a week with new and exciting antics for Finn and myself. One of the things I like to do that takes up a small chunk of that time is taking Finn for walks, or should I say pushing him around in his stroller. We usually just walk around in our neighborhood checking out the sights, sounds, and smells of God's work. This particular day, I needed to go up to the grocery store for some tomatoes and thought that it would be a fun experience for Finn since he's only been to the grocery store once or twice. This was a little further than we normally walked, but I figured we were up for the challenge. I knew the weather forecast had called for rain most of the week, so I, like any good parent, checked the current local Doppler radar. Everything looked pretty good, I figured we had an hour or two before it rained, but I brought my rain jacket just in case. So we make it to the store, do our shopping, and start heading home. We get back to our street and I could tell we were quickly running out of time before the rain arrived. I took out my rain jacket and put it over Finn's stroller and by this time he was fast asleep. As I picked up the pace, a neighbor driving past us stops to talk. This particular neighbor likes to talk A LOT. He's an old preacher who lives across the street from us and ALWAYS chats it up when he sees any of us. Not a problem, but on this particular day I didn't have the time...it was starting to sprinkle. I told the preacher (when he stopped talking long enough) that I had to be on my way and he obliged. At this point the rain was becoming heavier and I'm still several blocks from our house, so I pick up the pace even more. Halfway down my street I see another neighbor standing in front of his house in the rain. He sees us coming and slowly starts heading to the street to greet us. As he approaches, I'm wondering why he is standing outside like it's not even raining...then it dawned on me, he hadn't seen the baby yet. So I rush over to his driveway, quickly offer to lift the rain jacket for a quick peek, and tell him I've got to go. By now, the bottom has dropped out and it's raining cats and dogs. I still have 300 or so yards before we're safely home and I decide to make a run for it. It really didn't matter by now, I was completely soaked and the baby was just as dry as could be. Never the less, I ran all the way home pushing the stroller. After all the commotion of the rain, running, and carrying the stroller up the steps, I uncover the baby to find him sleeping like (you guessed it) a baby. The next day I'm taking Finn for another walk and a neighbor who I've waved to for years, but never spoke to, stopped to talk to us. He asked me how tall I was, which I thought was an odd question at the time. Turns out he saw me running down the road pushing the stroller in the rain the day before and he said I looked 7 feet tall. So not only did I look like an idiot for running down the street in the rain pushing a stroller, but apparently I also looked like an ogre.

"It Changes Your Life"

Hello sympathizers, this excerpt will backpedal a little bit.  It is my rendition of what you should do when you find out you are expecting your first child (in real life terms; not all that cuddly, non-realistic nonsense). People always say having a child will change your life, but they never really get that point across. It's virtually impossible to express in words or in actions how it "changes your life." Well my friends, I'm going to give it my best, guy style. First thing you should do, without question, is to immediately drop to you knees and BEG GOD for forgiveness for all the bad things you have done in your life AND for the patience of Abraham...because you're gonna need it, I promise you. Once that is done (trust me, you'll be back), you might have a feeling of what you're getting yourself into. This is no laughing matter, and NOT for the faint at heart. I waited 32 years to have my first child, and I could have waited another 32 years and still not been ready. Now that you have begged God for mercy on your soul, head straight to you favorite happy hour watering hole (Pub). Order the stiffest drink they have, and bid you friends and fellow bar flies adieu. Walk out the door and pat yourself on the back, because you have just graduated from the bar scene...you may not realize it or accept it yet, but it is over my friend. On your way out, toss your phone in the gutter, because the only numbers you need from now on are the numbers you've known for the past 20 years. If you don't have their number memorized, you don't need it...either they weren't that important in the first place, or they aren't going to help you now! Now that two of the things you thought you needed are gone, let me tell you what you do need. You know that vacation that you've dreamed of taking or have been putting off? Well, NOW is the time to take it! You are not only going to need that time to reflect upon, but to cherish, as your last great experience as an "ordinary person." For lack of a more exemplary term, "ordinary person" is how I'll refer to people whom haven't crossed the line into parenthood...or as I like to refer to it, "true adulthood."  So, on to the physical training aspect. I'm sure you enjoy your "you" time, as all of us "true adults" DID. I used to think, "I'm busy now, what am I going to do when the baby comes?" I had it all figured out, I'd just configure my schedule to accommodate me and my time. Laughable I tell you, laughable, because the only person that gets un-accommodated is you. You are in for a rude awakening....literally. Try staying up until 1 am, totally sober mind you, no alcohol fueled insomnia, and set your alarm for 2 am. Now, after you wake at 2 am, set your alarm for 3 am. Now you're starting to get mad right? Set your alarm for 3:30 am. Think this is funny...because now you need to set your alarm for the exact moment you fall asleep. Repeat this procedure for the next, I don't know, 3 months and counting. By the way, when the clock strikes 7 am, just plan on getting up for the day, cause it ain't getting easier. At 7 am, strap an 8-10 pound watermelon to your hip, or should I say under you arm, because you've just become that guy who fumbled the winning touchdown in the end zone on homecoming night. Thought it was hard to keep up with that football all week? Well plan on that football keeping up with you all week, and then some. Walk around ALL day with that 8 pound watermelon. Let me be clear, walk around ALL DAY with that watermelon. I'd use a milk jug as a reference, but that has a handle...you need something a little more difficult to change hands with. Now, with that watermelon in hand, continue with you normal activities. Wait, let me rephrase that, continue with your DAILY ESSENTIAL activities. That brings me to my next training exercise, daily essentials. What you thought was a daily essential quickly becomes a luxury. A prime example, bathing. Right now you take at least 1 shower a day, maybe 2, right? Extend that to 1 shower every 2 days. Repeat for 3 plus months and counting. By now, you really don't have anyone to impress anyway, so why worry? Now to your other "daily essential," nourishment. You used to snack as a form of munching in between meals right? Well now, snacking IS your meal. Thought it was fun to chef-up a gourmet meal? Forget it, now you just want less dishes to clean and more time to accommodate your screaming child. I could go on for days on what I thought were essentials, like checking the mail or reading the paper...but I think sleep, bathing, and nourishment pretty much cover the essentials.
So, now that you have totally striped yourself of who you thought you were...it is time to become who you ARE...it is time to "change your life," to take that leap (or forcefully be pushed, kicking and screaming like your future child when you try and dress him) into "true adulthood." Let this not deter you, it does get better, or so they tell me. This is also coming from the very same people who said "it changes your life."

The First Doctors Appointment

First time parents should really be supervised. Here's the story of how our first pediatric doctors appointment went, a prime example of what not to do. So it's our first time out of the house as a family since coming home from the hospital, and our appointment is set for 9 am...not too early right? Haha, never let your ambition and planning go to your head when you're a newbie parent, because you can never get started too early. We set our alarm for 5 am, but I really have no idea why, the baby was waking us up every 2 hours anyway. We had his diaper bag already prepped, as well as car seat, our clothes, breakfast (fruit and yogurt), Finn's clothes, etc. Things were looking good the night before, we were ready...or so we thought. What we didn't plan for was our own ignorance. We start the morning trading off showers so one another could cuddle and sooth baby Finn. First mistake. We should have taken that time to start dressing him instead, and I'll tell you why. We, being new parents and not really experiencing the whole dressing up your kid thing or going to the doctor with baby thing yet, decide we were going to dress him up like a doll baby. Second mistake. We figured out really quickly Finn did not enjoy wearing 17 different articles of clothing, or at least the putting them on part. After significant time coercing his baby limbs into socks, shoes, onesie, pants, shirt, vest, jacket, and hat (all while he screamed bloody murder), we finally had ourselves and Finn ready to go. It was suddenly and surprisingly to us, 9 am. Great, so we're late to our first pediatric appointment...off to a great start new parents, right? It's not like he's running around the house yet and we're having to chase him to dress him or anything. Lucky for us the doctors' office is a mile or so away and I knew how to hook up the car seat (thanks hospital parking lot), so we're there by 9:10. Not too shabby, it could have been worse. Oh, but then it did get worse. As soon as we're seen, the doctor says "now undress him." I'm like "what?!!" What did we just do to ourselves? We beat ourselves up (and him) getting him dressed, now we have to undress him? Why didn't we think about that? I know why, because we have no idea what we're doing! No one ever told me don't overdress your baby for his doctor appointments. So, after another few minutes of getting Finn undressed from the 17 articles of clothes, he's weighed...and guess what? We have to put those 17 articles of clothes BACK ON. Nice, now I'm just feeling plain stupid....but wait, I can feel more stupid! As we're dressing him, the doctor notices our awkwardness and red faces (and the whole office can hear our screaming baby), so he offers to help. He starts picking through the clothes looking for Finn's blanket. Nikki and I look at each other, looked at all the garments, looked at the doctor and said "it must be in the car." Truth be told, we had unwittingly left his blanket at home. In our hast to get Finn dressed and out the door we forgot the one thing your baby should always have, especially on a winter day, his blanket. That's the day I knew our baby was in for the ride of his life, and it wasn't just us.

Coming home

First off, let me explain something to you all. Before my son was born, I had never changed a diaper in my life...or even ever really held a little baby. I was 32 years old, and scared for the first time in my adult life. I was more frightened to hold our baby than I was to watch the emergency C-section unfold before my eyes...that was actually kinda cool. So when the doctor handed me Finnley Chester O'Shea for the first time I thought to myself "am I doing this right?" and "what if I drop him?" These doctors and everybody are all watching me!  As it turned out, I wasn't doing it wrong, I didn't drop him, and no one yelled at me...but it's possible I may have peed my pants before he did that day. So everything went well during our stay and we're about to get discharged, and I'm beginning to wonder "when are they going to give me the instructions?" There is no way these well-educated professionals are actually going to send him home with us, right? I mean, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! Nikki read the books, I didn't. Nikki has a lot of friends with kids, I don't. But when it came down to the moment of "he's yours, you can take him home," we both may as well been clueless. Regardless of our confidence, we make it outside and Finnley gets his first breath of fresh air. I then proceed to spend 20 minutes or so trying to figure out the mechanics of the car seat (it was deceivingly easy), even though I read the instructions and installed the base the week before. Lucky for me, the hospital is only a mile or two from our house, because that drive home was unnerving. I felt like I was driving 15 mph, and for all we know, I was. Needless to say, we didn't leave the house until our first doctors appointment.

Introduction to The Manny Chronicles

These are the stories of my life and times as a first time parent and stay at home daddy, or as I like to call it, a "manny." I never thought my first blog would be about me being a parent, I always figured it would be about something I had some experience with! Needless to say I am learning quickly, and these excerpts of my life I share with you should be both amusing and heart-warming...or in literary terms, The Savior Motif meets The Innocence to Experience Motif...but try your best not to confuse me with Shakespeare. I would have started this blog a few months ago, when I was a brand new daddy, but it has taken me 3 1/2 months just for my head to stop spinning! I may or may not write everyday, as all parents know, there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything! So, with this said, The Manny Chronicles begin...